Please give me some hope that this will all work out. That Jackson won't forget me. That I'll make it through the day and still have something leftover for him. I desperately want to be one of those people who looks on the "bright" side, but sadly I'm not. Right now I'm sad and angry that I have to leave my child and sorry, no amount of positive thinking is going to make this any easier. I am so envious of other moms who get to stay home and enjoy all of the firsts. They actually get to raise their kids instead of dumping them off on other people to do it for them. I am not looking forward to leaving Jackson and I am definitely not looking forward to returning to a job full of stress, pressure, and criticism. I need some hope to get me through this but so far there's nothing on the horizon.
Friday, April 9, 2010
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Oh DITTO! I just had my first night back to work. I feel like my job is stressful and full of constant criticism. No matter how well we do, we are always getting told if we don't do something else, TOO, we will get fired. Do this extra paperwork, do this education on this and that, do this goal-posting, don't do this, don't do that. Oh, you didn't get a break? Too bad, you didn't make this patient happy enough because the doc wouldn't give her more narcotics, so you are in trouble. I hated hated hated to leave my baby and go do this often thankless job. I cried for days leading up to it. It helps me to leave her at night when she's sleeping at least, and my b/f and I have worked it out where we only need two days of family to keep her every two weeks. I still hate it, and can't imagine having to do a 9-5. And in June I am doing some IT work on our new computerized charting system, so I will get a taste. Again, so not loving being a working mom. I used to think I was the kind of mom who needed to work. But this child makes me feel differently. Maybe because she is my last one. Maybe because I watched my boys grow up, 15 and 9, and I know how fast it goes. I don't know, but I want to be a SAHM so bad I ache. Knowing my child will be fine doesn't change that.
I had to leave Jay at a babysitters one time to realize it wasnt going to work. All I can say is, I am sorry you have to leave your babe. It is very hard but you have to do what you have to do. Jackson WILL NOT forget you. Ever. He was born knowing your voice and he knows your scent. You are his momma and no one can replace you. Just make the time you do have together special. :=)
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