Wednesday, March 31, 2010

Sadness

Jackson at Birth


Jackson at 10 Weeks Old
I can't believe my maternity leave is already coming to an end. When I first began my 3-month leave it seemed like forever. Never in my adult life have I had a three-month break from work. I had so many ideas of how I would spend my days taking leisurely walks, playing with Jackson, and working on my master's degree- all the while keeping a spotless house and having a hot dinner on the table at 5:30pm each day. Ha! Fast forward 3 months and the only thing I manage to accomplish each day is getting the mail and tending to Jackson. The first days (well, weeks actually) were a complete blur of raging hormones, sleep deprivation, and trying to figure out my newborn. The days have steadily gotten easier as Jackson and I have figured each other out. His little personality is really starting to shine through. And now I have to back to work. I have exactly 11 days left to spend with my child. Then I'll have to trade him for the 22 kids in my classroom who literally suck the life out of me with their constant demands. I'm so afraid I'll have nothing left to give Jackson by the time I get home. I'm afraid he's going to forget who his mommy is. Although we're extremely blessed to have my mom and Ryan's sister watching him while I'm at work, I'm afraid that they won't love him as much as I do. Will they hold him while he cries and snuggle him while he naps? Will they sing his favorite songs and read him books? Will they know when he's trying to tell them that he's hungry/tired/bored? I'm in full-blown panic mode just thinking about how hard this change is going to be on him. I feel like such a horrible mother dumping him off on other people while I'm at work all day. What's the point in having kids when you're just going to have someone else raise them for you? Trust me, if we could even come remotely close to swinging it I would stay home. Unfortunately my student loans have to be paid. I have prayed so hard for a solution, but right now this where it's at. Where did the months go? It seems like just yesterday that we were bringing Jackson home from the hospital. Those weeks were so hard, but so exciting. It's amazing to see the rapid-fire changes occurring as I watch him grow both cognitively and physically. He has become such a joy and now I have to leave him. I tell Ryan that I don't know if I'm capable of doing it. He says I have to. The dread in my heart is so overwhelming that sometimes all I can do is cry.

2 comments:

journalofamom said...

Aw hun! Hang in there! I know how your heart feels, trust me! God will bless you in your decisions, whether home or at work. I'll be praying for you as you transition. Let me know if you need anything at all! You are a great mommy and Jackson will not ever forget who you are!! xo

Georgie Girl said...

Oh no. My heart goes out to you. I am terrified of feeling exactly the same way when it is time for me to go back to work. And i haven't even had my baby yet!

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